i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
