What did we do last night that was yellow?
babies were throwing up all over the place
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
