Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
