I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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