I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
