God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
