does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
