So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
