I want to stick my p in your. b.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
