My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
