He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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