I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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