He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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