I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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