yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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