Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
