I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
