Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
