You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
