I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She bit a glass in half.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize
