I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
