Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Randomize
