Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
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