i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
