I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
