Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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