He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
