Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
