I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She's the barista slut.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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