Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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