Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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