is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
