well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Drunk is a universal language darling
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