Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
