I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I touched a dick in church today
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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