I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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