i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
