i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
