my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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