The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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