hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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