I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
