god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
