I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
