just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
