Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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