I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
