I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
