You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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