My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
