You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
