just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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