between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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