I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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