i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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