The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
