Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
