there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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